...and a horse.

Besides the people in my life, I often have asked myself, WHAT do I love?  What do I have passion for?  At this time in my life, it's been a little tricky.  Tricky because our first 5 kiddos are gone, or going on with their adult lives and Mac, of course, gone from the earth.  The past couple of years have been difficult in a new way for me.  Mourning the loss of our son.  Having traumatic surgeries.  Dennis taking a new position in Calgary.  Jenna going on her mission.  Taylor returning from his mission.  Babies being born. Taylor getting married.  Taylor going to school in the states.  Other children struggling with the loss of Mac, and other mental health issues.   Moving to a new/old city.  Setting up a new house.  Starting new schools.  Finding medical/dental/ortho/therapist/chiro and all those other resources necessary for balance.  The list is long, and for the most part, I've been too busy to think.  Now that Jenna is home, Lewis is leaving and that means the 'first 5' are not needing me as much.  As per our 'original plan', I'd be doing who knows what at this point (probably bored), but knowing that we chose a different path and have more children to raise, we have been thinking and thinking lately...what do we really want for the next ___ years?

Going to Utah was probably one of the best experiences I've had in a while.  Julie, Jenna and I had a lot of time together to just hash out life.  Talk about outrageous ideas.  Talk about mental health and how life is just really hard, but "we can do hard things!"

I've never been one to pretend, but I have been insecure at times and not wanting to let people down, I put on a good show.  But really, I'm weak.  I'm tired.  I like to sleep...as much as I can.  I actually hate schedules and appointments and the expectations put on me to be somewhere at a certain time... or having to regurgitate something about the kids to yet another 'professional' in their lives that need my knowledge and expertise to help them, help the children.  I get nervous when it's time for the kids to get home from school...I don't like to cook supper anymore.  I don't like to clean anymore (although I do and it feels just as great when it's done).  I've lost my memory in so many areas.  I've gained weight and have joined the gym with Den and Jenna to try to make a concerted effort to change that once and for all.  My favourite time of the day is 8 pm when everyone is in bed and I go to my room and watch Netflix.  I've never done that before now and part of me feels guilty about it.  I hardly see Dennis as he is working extra hard these days so he can retire earlier than 20 years from now...  But that's okay...because we still love each other, but theres work to do.  (Which isn't the best attitude, I know...)

So, with that, I've tried hard to think about what I really would like to have our lives look like from here forward.  I do believe we can form our lives for the better...we have agency...we have choices.  I don't really like where we live...I do, but I don't.  It's close to the city, but 2 acres of trees and lots of moose.  The house is big, but not well designed for our needs.  I learned while we were in Utah, that I still LOVE animals, especially horses.  I had a horse when I was younger and loved to come home, do my chores and then saddle up!  Riding in the mountains was so refreshing and my mind was so clear and I felt true joy.  Which I have to admit, haven't felt for a while.  I almost equally loved the challenge of shooting the clay pigeons!  Then Julie and I went to the Payson Temple and had a lovely time in such a beautiful place.  That evening we went 10 pin bowling and I killed it!  That was fun as well, and usually I think bowling is boring.   But then I get home from such a high, and find it hard to feel joy again...I need consistency AND change.  That's what I know for sure.  Sooo........

What to do?  When I think of all the needs we have, and I mean, not just me...Den, and ALL the kids and grandkids (including ones to come in the future), I am overwhelmed and feel the need to create a haven for our needs, or I'll never feel right.  Maybe a little hobby farm?  A few horses, some sheep, chickens?  I don't want to make work, but I do have a lot of kids who could learn a lot of cool life skills through caring for animals...and Brittany and Jimmy will require different experiences to help them learn, as they really aren't progressing in public school.  Jimmy has found, I'll add, a wonderful buddy and the two of them have been inseparable since last year.  Caeden has Autism and he loves Jimmy...and doesn't let any other peers close like he does Jim.    Jimmy adores him and Caeden has changed his life for the better with this bond.

I found this on the counter one day.

Sometimes I feel that the way kids are raised in general now is just so 'programmed' and theres no room for just 'living' and learning through work.  At least we've had experience so we kind of know what to do, and what not to do...but even that knowledge isn't fool-proof.  Happy children who feel like they have a purpose in this life and love others and aren't afraid of work.  That's what I want.  And a horse.